Evaluation results

So I wandered back to meet with Mom and the doctor. Yes, she has declined but how much - there isn't a number to put on it. I understand that there is no need for further "evaluation". What we see her managing day to day will give us more information than a series of tests.  I left with this:

• Mom needs to get out of the apartment every day. Interacting with people helps her significantly.
• Her routine is holding her world together.
• We might want to unplug the stove. Mom doesn't know how to call the police...

I was actually encouraged today. In comparison to leaving that office 2 years ago, I was elated! It sounds like we have managed Mom's life well and we will just continue to watch over her. She may confuse night with day and start calling people! Yikes! But I feel confident that we will catch her before she falls...

Funny thing: The doctor was asking about moving to the apartment and driving etc. I said we moved Mom because she, the doctor, told us to, and we had Mom stop driving because she had told us that too. The doctor put her hand to her chest and said "Someone listened to me!".  It was a very human, kinda sweet, moment!

Truth

I have planted myself at Barnes and Noble, free wifi, expensive chai. I just dropped Mom off at the neuropsychologist for an evaluation. We were here two years ago only to find out she has Alzheimer's. Now, I'm trying to understand where we are at with it all two years later.

I hate these evaluations. I feel so protective of my mom! The doctor asks her simple questions that she can't answer correctly. It's all I can do not to say "Of course she knows her birth date!" Between having memory issues and feeling cornered, my mom doesn't have a chance! But I remain quiet until needed. The last thing I want to do is impede her evaluation - I need to know the truth.

Now truth, that's a funny business. I have always clung to truth, striving to be truthful, authentic, and honest. I love the truth. Until recently, when I found out that I really don't love the truth. The truth is messy. People aren't who you thought they were, situations don't pan out as promised, the future looks a bit more uncertain. Even though I hang out around truth as often as possible, life doesn't cooperate. But in reality, I've gotten just what I asked for! What I REALLY need is a way to handle the truth (flash to Jack Nicholson: "You can't handle the truth!"). Truth be told, I don't want to handle anything. Somewhere along the way, I became so enamored of Jesus, that I wanted to be like Him. "Transform me, Lord!" I thought transformation meant I become like Him, but really it means I become like Him. It's the becoming part that is so challenging, so painful. Mom is part of that transformation process and so is truth. The truth about Mom, the truth about everything.

Well, I better go. The truth awaits...

Autopilot

I spoke with my mom briefly this morning. She called to tell me an old friend had written her a note and promptly read it all to me. At the end, she said ‘It was good to talk with her, she hasn’t changed at all”. Of course, I needed clarification “Did you talk with her or did she just send a letter?” Yea, it was just the letter. Now, my husband, Dan, would have just let it go and agreed with her. Why make her feel bad, he would say. But I can’t disregard her in that way. I want as real a relationship as I can with her, and agreeing with everything would be false. While I accept without comment repeated conversations, I need to understand what she is actually experiencing and what she means when she speaks. Which is why I ask for clarification at times, which is why I appreciate it when my sister calls to tell me about her conversations with Mom. For instance, she called, saying something like: “I told Mom that Jeff (her son) is moving to Oregon.  I thought I should call you right away in case she tells you and you think she’s mixed up”.  Then, we’re on the same page! I guess it’s like a preview to a movie so I know where the plot it supposed to go. I find I can be more helpful to my mom if I know where we are going.

I marveled at two simple things today:

1.  Armed with the information right in front of her (that she probably read a couple times) my mom doesn’t sound like she has dementia at all! Words, names, dates are literally at her fingertips and she pulls it off well.
2.  I am amazed the brain can go on autopilot! After she said she had “talked” with her friend, I realized she didn’t even know what she was saying! It just flowed like water out of the faucet – she has said it so many times before! And I catch myself on autopilot: “Let’s get together for coffee!” I don’t even drink coffee! Do I actually “intend” to get together with that person? The Bible is clear about how difficult it is to tame the tongue and yet how important it is as well. What we say reveals what is in our hearts. Even my thoughtless invitation says something about me: liar, phony, trying to please people…? Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh but I can’t help but analyze myself through my interactions with my mom! Clearly, I do not expect my mom to have the control over what she says and thinks that she once had. But consider me? I can still reign in my thoughts and words, as long as I stay out of autopilot. But autopilot is so much easier and I default to easy often! God has certainly been teaching me about myself though these hard lessons. And lately the hard lessons have been piling up. So, honestly, sometimes my only solace is that I have, in fact, learned something. I guess that’s why I started writing here…so I would remember all that I learned. While the road before me remains unclear, uncharted, unseen, what lies behind me, is quite clear indeed. 

The Aldi Adventure

Who knew the Aldi store could be such an adventure? The need of a quarter for your cart, your own bags for your groceries (unless you buy bags) and the cash only (I guess you can now use debit cards, which I don't have) all made this shopping excursion a bit much for my mom today. We talked about what to expect a couple times, each time being the first she had heard it, of course. She gathered some items for her cart and continued shopping while I went through the check out line with my groceries. Then I saw her in line with only a box of cereal! She had put everything back because she was worried she didn't have enough money with her and couldn't find her debit card. I convinced her to go through the store again, that I could cover her groceries if need be and she could pay me back. After all, this was why we were out today - to get groceries! She got 3 more items and had the cash to cover it. We won't be going there again! She doesn't need to shop there and it's not worth the angst it brings her.