Mother's Day 2010

I haven't posted in awhile. Life gets busy, but then again how many times can you write "She doesn't remember stuff"?

Today we are hosting a Mother's Day Celebration at the Summer Home where my mom lives. It's a rental facility for such occasions. I was able to help my mom make plans. She sometimes feels so out of the loop, especially at family gatherings. There's hustle and bustle and she's not always part of it anymore. And it all moves too quickly for her. But we had lunch at Olive Garden and planned the menu. While she doesn't necessarily remember the details, she knows she has helped plan it. She has asked about the ham a lot! "Are other people bringing stuff? When do I pay for the place?" But I think it was good for her.

Our relationship is different now. I have to anticipate and cover for her - skills I wasn't born with, but have acquired (somewhat) being a mom myself and now being stretched some more. I have to think ahead. Maybe that's one of the more frustrating aspects of this thing for me is that I have to grow! It's good, but painful and burdensome. If I could just be and not become, that would be much easier. But that's what's so amazing about how God brings the good out of these terrible situations. He squeezes every last drop of goodness out of the struggles we face, because in the end it's growth for us and it's good for us. I hate every minute of it but love every outcome of it.

I will be grateful for every day with my mom. Yes, very grateful for our time together. Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you very much.

Funny thing...my mom and I have little adventures when we go out. Something odd always happens...little funny moments. My mom told me to write a book about our adventures, she'd like to read it! I have never mentioned this blog. First of all, she wouldn't get what a blog was and then, this is my processing space. I hope never to violate her trust or privacy, but maybe she wouldn't understand? But it almost felt like permission when she said to write a book. Maybe I'll be more diligent about writing. Here's hoping!

End in sight

Yesterday I found out:

• My mom's foot is not healing - but that was expected. It takes a looooong time!
• She is probably done with physical therapy for awhile. Relief! We may revisit the therapist sometime in the future, but for now we have a couple visits left and we are done.

It has been good to spend so much time with my mom. I get to see her ups and downs and my understanding of who she is and what she is going through has soared. She's in a very tough place, so frustrated she can't remember things. Scrambling for words, for names, for systems to help her remember.
"I need a notebook to write things down"
"I just need to get organized"
 I find myself rejoicing in every recollection. But really she is not that bad! She manages to live alone, engage socially with her friends, make her meals...I just keep thinking about who she was and I get sad that she can't always grasp that she wasn't always like this. Then again, maybe she does and that's why she's so frustrated. It's an amazing journey that God is taking us all on. I don't believe He is not in the midst of this, not for a moment. My family has pulled together to take care of so many tasks for my mom. And they have impressed me in so many ways - we are all gifted differently and it has worked to our advantage. We can cover many areas. I feel great sadness for those who have to walk this road alone. God has provided for my mom well and the blessings have overflowed to the rest of us. All I can think to say is: Thank You Jesus!

Update

Hey, her foot hurts sometimes!!!! Is God good or what? This sounds so odd, but I'm grateful that Mom can know she has a problem with her foot because it hurts.

Thank GOD for pain, really...

Did you know that circulation in a diabetic can be so poor, they are told to check their feet for sores daily? They don't feel their feet sometimes. My husband knew a diabetic man who used to work the chain gang at the Bears football games. The field was so hot one Sunday, he burnt his feet badly; he couldn't feel the heat through his shoes. If only he had felt the pain...

Last Sunday I received a call at church that Mom had done something to her foot or ankle or something. I called her and decided to take her to the ER, mostly because she sounded desperate on the phone. It turns out she had fallen/tripped on a step the evening before and her foot began hurting in the night. The x-rays revealed a fracture in her foot. We were refered to the orthopedist for follow up. We went to the same doctor we saw for her shoulder. Apparently, she fractured a metatarsal bone in her foot and according the doctor it takes "forever" to heal. He gave her a boot to wear, prescribed a walker and MORE physical therapy (6 more weeks to be exact!). Unbelieveable.

The trouble I'm having is that Mom's foot no longer hurts.
"Why do I have to wear this boot?"
"How long do I have to wear this boot?"
"I don't want to use the walker, why do I need it?"
"MY FOOT DOESN'T EVEN HURT"

She needs to do this stuff to preserve the current alignment of her foot.I'm convinced if her foot would just hurt, she would be much willing to follow the doctor's order.

So I've learned the value of pain. I guess I already knew it, but pain alerts us to a problem, it pinpoints its exact location, and it reminds us to be careful. Physical pain, or even emotional pain, gets our attention and allows us the opportunity to fix whatever is broken. Even the pain in dealing with this diagnois reminds me to "TAKE CARE". I can't find a way to erase the pain, but I can seek the One who created the alarm system in the first place. If this pain brings me to the feet of God, it can't be all bad.

So I thank God for the pain...

Imagining It's Me

My mom is balking at having someone come each morning to check that she has taken her medications. I was trying to imagine being told the same thing. I certainly don't need help with my meds. In my understanding, I do just fine. In my mom's understanding, she does just fine. It would be insulting to have even my husband check up on me and I suppose Mom thinks the same thing. Fortunately, at the moment, she trusts me and she complies, but I'm wondering when she'll stop trusting me. Imagine a complete stranger dictating what you do, making decisions for you - terrifying! It would like one of those movies where people are buried alive or somehow trapped and tortured - sufficating...I don't know...I hate this disease. I hate what's it's doing to my mom. I hate that she knows something is wrong but really she doesn't. She keeps thinking once things settle down, everything will be fine. Yes, once things settle down. I'm just not sure things will ever settle down. But I am grateful for my mom's attitude. She believes God is walking with her through this, that He guides her and I know that's true. He's walking with me too. He gives me eyes to see her struggles, her confusion. It's painful, but it produces empathy in me. I've never been good at empathy. It seems I have to actually experience something to understand what someone else is going through. So, am I learning to empathize or am I just going through something so I can understand others' pain in the future? No matter, God is working in and through all of this. Yes, I can see that is very true. And I am very grateful.

"At least I can laugh..."

My mom and I went shopping at Kohl's today. She found a few tops she liked-she looked great in them. We ran some other errands and ended up at her condo. As I was getting ready to leave, I made reference to her new clothes sitting in the bag. She honestly had no recollection of them! I pulled out the purple jacket she had bought and she loved the color! Then we laughed and my mom said "At least I can laugh otherwise I'd be crying!"

And that pretty much sums it all up from here on out.

Fun, fun, fun...

Today is a day off, so to speak. Mom has been needing physical therapy 3 times a week and today is not one of those days. I watch this little guy, Dominic, who recently turned one, about 4 days each week. So on therapy days, we load into the car, pick up my mom, take her to therapy, do something for an hour, and take her back home. Sometimes, we eat lunch with my mom. He was the hit of the retirement center grill last week!

I was relieved when her orthopedic surgeon said she didn't need surgery for her very old shoulder injury, gulped when I heard therapy 3 times a week for 6 six weeks and rejoiced when it seemed she would be able to have therapy at the nursing home next to her complex. So many emotions, so many ups and downs. The nursing home didn't return my calls in a timely manner, so I opted to drive her to another therapist. It seemed like it would be quite taxing but it has worked out well. Seeing my mom 3-4 times a week helps me see her progress, or laspe in progress. I was also concerned about the recent weight loss she's experienced, and now I can eat lunch with her to make sure she's eating. I'm grateful she has seemed to settle in to her new home and life. She's ready to be social and looking for people to meet. I see glimpses of my mom and it encourages my heart. God knows when it's too much for me and sends me encouragement, there's no other way to explain the perfect timing I experience in dealing with my mom. 

I'm trying to remember to have fun moments with mom. She came to my daughter's basketball game a couple weeks ago. What a riot 5th - 6th grade girl basketball is and I'm glad my mom was able to be there. It was a nail biter for sure, but we won the game. I think the score was something like 8-7! But my mom got to see my daughter Jesse play, and she played hard, too. She spent much time on the floor grabbing the balls from the other players. I realized that day that I need to have fun and not just appointments with my mom. I am grateful for all the lessons I get to learn through this experience. I'm just not sure my brain will be able to contain them. And it seems there should be an easier way to learn things, but God brings good through the bad, maybe so the bad isn't quite SO bad then? He never misses an opportunity to teach! I'll take whatever He brings because I trust Him. I saw that in my mom and dad - trust in God.

Everything starts somewhere...

So I've decided to keep record of my journey with my mom through the Alzheimer's maze. It seems some history would be in order. Hmmmm...

Life became particularly arduous when my father passed away in May of 2005. Going on 5 years now. My parents had been married for almost 55 years so the toll taken on my mother was great. But shared grief brought out the best in my extended family. We all pitched in to help my mom navigate her new life. But it became increasing obvious that she was now quite forgetful. She was most concerned about forgetting people's names and she made an appointment to have an evaluation. The outcome was positive, nothing unusual for a woman of her age. Find some ways to compensate, to organize and she should be fine.

But another couple years, repeated conversations and forgotten names continued to bother my mom. This is when I started attending some of her visits to the doctor. It was decided she should have a CAT scan done of her brain. But this is also when my sister-in-law had a stroke. See, it hadn't been long before that my dad died from a stroke. My sister-in-law was in the same hospital, the same ICU, and it rattled my mom. It seemed logical that her memory loss and confusion could easily be explained away. The scan came back showing vascular blockage which would account for her troubles. Alzheimer's disease can't be diagnosed. If you can find another reason for your problem, i.e. vascular blockage, maybe you don't have it. We were overjoyed to say the least.

Six months later, Mom's memory was declining considerably. I called my 2 brothers and 2 sisters and we had a secret meeting to create a plan to help mom. I did feel a bit deceitful because we didn't include Mom. We needed to speak openly and her presence would have made that difficult. It was a good meeting. We decided to divide up tasks, as they relate to my mother...God has blessed me with wonderful siblings! I was put in charge of medical issues. I am the one who is more available to attend doctor appointments etc so it made sense. My brothers and sisters had other jobs to take care of and we proceeded from there.

That was just after Christmas of 2008. The next Spring proved to be challenging. My mom went to an open house for a company that sells hearing aids and bought some because they were so nice to her. And then she didn't remember actually paying for them. I had to go back with her to return them, get her money back and then found a reputable audiologist. And then her new ears caused her much grief! She couldn't remember how to use them, how to put them in and she even lost them for a few days. She was deteriorating. I spoke with her doctor about the situation and she said she would encourage Mom to have an neurological evaluation. The appointment was in June of 2009.

I dropped her off at her appointment and ran some errands. When I returned, I sat with my mom and the neuropsychologist and heard a death sentence. She has memory loss consistent with Alzheimer's disease. Even as the tests were explained and the results revealed, my mother's comments confirmed everything. She didn't even seem to understand why she was there. It was heart wrenching. But as I dropped her off at her home, in a very lucid moment, she remarked "Well, I guess it will really be harder on all of you". It made me cry. And it still makes me cry.

A couple of the recommendations from the neuropsychologist were that she not live alone or drive a car. It seemed like such a huge change for her! But the thought was, who knows when she'll forget basic things, like the car she just saw in the side mirror or the cookies in the oven! We began the daunting task of cleaning out her home and finding new accommodations. Routine is her friend, so we needed to get her into a new routine and fast. It has taken 7, almost 8, months now, but she is in a new condo with the opportunity to move into assisted living when it becomes necessary. Her home of 43 years has been painted and updated (no thanks to me!) and is almost ready to be put on the market. There are still many items of which to dispose, but there is a light shining brightly at the end of that tunnel!

It was last week that I thought about a blog. I was encouraged because Mom seemed like the mom I've always known! Where did that come from? It has been a very long and stressful few months for my mother, as her house was turned upside down, her things discarded or moved to another place and her car being unavailable to her. So, perhaps, she is adjusting well to her new life. I considered that maybe we would have some wonderful days left with Mom, even though the difficult ones will show up much more frequently than we want. Maybe I should record these moments so I can remember the ups and the downs. Maybe someone else would relate, or be encouraged or even encourage me. I don't know. I believe God works in wonderful ways, bringing good out of bad. Maybe this could be some good from the bad. That's the plan as of today.