Even Though

I have been working my new "job" for just over a month. I have learned a lot...


1. It's exhausting! I wouldn't have thought that a couple hours a day would zap my energy supply so much. There is an emotional toll that is steeper than I thought, a "moving slowly through tasks" toll that is also draining, and an boredom toll - this is not an exciting job. BUT I AM NOT COMPLAINING! No, definitely not complaining. A bit surprised but I am growing in acceptance and i have developed a major appreciation for caretakers. I remind myself that I want to give her what she gave me growing up which is care and grace. It is truly a privilege to walk this path with my mom. I am also grateful that the financial barriers to me helping her have been removed. God is a great provider and I trust that He will also provide me strength! 


2. To keep the big picture in mind. Mom is constantly "organizing" her condo which means I need to go back through and put things back where they make sense. I have gotten over the idea that it is her house and she should be able to do what she wants. I know what she wants and that is to be able to find things! Therefore, they need to be in their correct place. That's the Big Picture. She gets flustered when she can't find what she is looking for. Today, for example, she is looking for her dirty laundry. She is sure she has some, just doesn't know where she might have put it. If I think about it too long, I cry. How hard it is to live in her world. But she pushes on and she is my hero for that. So I will focus on what the big picture is, what I know my mom would have been done in the past, what she is really trying to accomplish.


3. Lucid to irrational moments happen without warning. She recently told me that she wasn't prepared for Alzheimer's. She had considered cancer, heart disease or stroke as as health issues but not this. (Which actually surprised me because her brother had some sort of dementia, I think!) We can have these moments of truth and deep reflection. But then, wasn't it 20 minutes earlier that she was wondering how she would get home? I was confused. It turns out she thought we were in Michigan and, apparently, I wouldn't be driving her all the way back to Illinois. Where did that come from? As I spend time with her, I experience these movements from the rational to irrational with her. I am learning to just go with it, to be patient and kind. Yes, I see patience developing in me. And who says miracles can't happen!


4. Caretakers guilt. This is real and this is huge! I do better than many people I know at setting up boundaries. Certainly, I could improve but it hasn't been an issue until now. I am surprised at the amount of guilt I feel when I leave my mom or worse don't go on a day! I know that my plan is to go M-F, but I feel badly when I don't go on Saturday or Sunday. Not nearly as bad as when I can't seem to get there on a day during the week, but a bit guilty, nonetheless. She is always grateful and somewhat surprised when I show up. This guilt does not stem from her in any way. But the more I go over there, the more I realize she has so little to do on any given day, she is so dependent on others to do anything and sometimes she get confused or forgets her plans and then misses them. I feel guilty because I am able to do whatever I intend to do and she no longer can. It's irrational, I know. So I acknowledge the feelings, pray for God's peace and move on. But the feelings lurk near by and I'm always aware of their presence. I guess it adds to my fatigue!


But still, I am grateful for it all. I think of Habakkuk 3:17-19...


Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.


So every now and then I say "Even though" and that is usually all it takes to remind me of all that God has done, is doing and will do in my life. And then, I rejoice in Him!