Moving Day

So.
Today is a big day, moving day. We had to face the fact that Mom wasn’t adjusting to the caregiver. There were too many phone calls pleading for help. She was too angry, too often. She was not herself, not that she’s been herself for a long time...

We found a memory care assisted living facility not too far away. In fact, it’s half way to one of my sister’s house which makes it easy for her to visit and connect. It is similar to other places we’ve seen, except that it has only two floors (like a BIG house) both dedicated to memory care. BUT the best part is a family friend of my brother lives there. Actually, it’s one of my niece’s best friends. Amazing, this  young woman I knew as a goofy neighbor kid is now our best resource for helping my mom. I am filled with peace! We’ve looked at places before, which have many similarities, but there’s some detail that sticks out to make it right or wrong. Our detail is Amanda. I think God know how hard this would be for me - maybe others in my family. His ability to take into account my needs as well as my mother’s needs is mind blowing. I trust Amanda to care for our family like her own and therefore trust my mom will be well care for. She won’t be directly looking out for my mom, but if she works there, it must be good. Not to mention that my mom will have her own apartment without a roommate, space for herself, but whenever she wants to be social, she can walk out her door and people will be there. It seems like a good fit for her at this time in her life.

I decided recently my goal for helping my mother would be to make my dad proud and have no regrets.  I don’t want to look back and I think I should have tried something else. So far, so good. I have been blessed with wonderful brothers and sisters. I think that we have worked well together and have been mostly in agreement in regards to my mother’s care. We have held meetings just to make sure we are all on the same page. I’m not sure we’ve actually had many disagreements, but everyone has spoken their mind and we are able to come to a plan. We’ve been able to keep my mom’s needs first which has brought us to the same conclusions. Our practical, cohesive approach would make my dad proud. And we’ve stayed by my mom’s side so I think he would be pleased. I often think how much easier it would have been for my mom if my dad were still around! Ah well!

I was anxious last week but now I am hopeful and peaceful. I know there are kind friends praying for me and while I still don’t understand how the prayers of others affect my life, I know they do. I don’t know how my car runs, but I know it gets me where I need to go!

Finally, a good day!

Today was a good day! I realize it's only 2:24 PM but it's checked off in my mind as "good."

My mom is still struggling with her caregivers. She doesn't "need" anyone there, she tells me. She flashes her anger at me frequently and when the phone rings at 4 PM, I know it's her...confused, sad and feeling useless. She can't find her parents, she can't find my dad...the phone must not be working...she probably doesn't have any money left...

But not today - ok, not yet, anyway. Today was a good day. It started a couple days ago when I sent an email to the staff at my church. "Does anyone need some help? My mom needs a purpose." I received my first response within 5 minutes from Michelle, the Children's Director, who, of course, always has things to cut and staple for Sunday. But her heart was really for my mom. While I'm sure she would appreciate someone helping her prepare for her classrooms for Sunday, there's a chance my mom might not actually be any help, especially if everything we do needs to be redone! But Michelle put my needs, my mom's needs, before her own and we arranged to come in today to volunteer. Her compassion towards us made me cry, but then every kind gesture towards my mom does! But Michelle was not the only staff member that was willing to extend themselves! Others responded quickly as well, but since they don't often have stickers to stick or toys to organize, they asked for some time to think of something. It might seem odd to hunt for a project for an 86 year old woman to do, but not to these people. They understand that everyone has value and can contribute. Maybe it's like the woman so long ago who put 2 coins in the offering, giving what she had, whom Jesus held up as an example to all of us, giving her value. That story is found in Mark 12 and Luke 21- and I realize that really wasn't the point of Jesus' story but it makes sense in my head! Anyway, these are people who love God and love people and for whom I am eternally grateful.

So today was our day to help Michelle. My mom and I stapled and organized papers into folders. Then, we helped organize the monthly "store" for children's ministry, putting like things together in bags and boxes. It went really well and my mom was a big help. It was mutually beneficial, which was really my goal all along. We went to lunch afterwards and there was NO anger whatsoever even though she was quite tired. I just think it was a good tired! Amazing. Now, was it because her caregiver wasn't present? I don't know, maybe the combo of having a purpose and some space agreed with my mom today or made my mom agreeable. It doesn't matter because it was a good day!

Forgiven

My daughter Erin loves my blog - my biggest fan! When something happens, she tells me to go blog about it. She likes to hear what I've learned or how I'm processing what is happening. Funny thing is, she could easily walk down the stairs and ask me! She must like reading...maybe she gets into my head or something! I don't know, but this one's for you, sweetheart...

I haven't seen my mother in a week. I can't remember the last time that happened! I have spoken to her, sometimes multiple times per day, but I have not been in her presence for an entire week. Having hired a live-in caretaker, I've made myself scarce to encourage bonding. My brothers and sister have still seen her as they regularly do, just not me. It has been a very long process for Mom and she is not adjusting well. She wants to be alone. In fact, I think the stress and changes have caused her to decline in her cognitive abilities but I am hopeful that once she is settled, she will do better. I am hopeful. And I am hopeful that switching caretakers will help mom settle. I am hopeful. And yesterday when we spoke on the phone, my mom seemed enthusiastic and energetic. I was hopeful about having lunch and going shopping together...since I hadn't seen her in a week.

Erin came with me. And when we arrived my mom was happy to see us and ready for lunch. I quickly asked about groceries and was looking over mom's list. I had a couple questions about what things were. It's better to check at home when I can see what she needs than at the store when I have no idea. She quickly got defensive when she couldn't understand what she had written, "Cleansing soap". I didn't know if that meant bath soap or cleanser for the sink...and she didn't either. She yelled at me, "You make me feel so dumb!", whacked me on the arm and walked to another room. "You all just go without me!" she said. She actually hit me! Of course, it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel the full force of her anger. The three of us, Erin, Claire (the new caretaker) and I just stood there in shock. I am not even sure my mom made it all the way back to her bedroom before she came out apologizing - 30 seconds tops! She said she has been so anxious and didn't mean to take it out on me and of course, I said I completely understand...all is forgiven.

We gathered our stuff to leave, making sure we were ready for the store as well. We walked down to lunch with my mom apologizing, saying she's so embarrassed, quite frequently. I was pretty quiet, surprised at how sad and overwhelmed I had become. By the time we got to the lunch room I was in tears and headed off to the washroom. It's not that my mom hurt me or was angry with me. I was so sad once again at what she has to go through and that she couldn't forgive herself for a lapse in control. Finally, Erin came in saying Grandma is "freaking out" because you are in here crying. I have to admit, I was surprised she had put it all together! I went out and hugged my mom again and tried to reassure her again that I was ok and that I forgave her - I just had a delayed reaction. I told her I loved her. It was ok, really.

We ordered lunch and went outside to the patio to wait. Again my mom was remorseful and apparently, unforgiven. It was crushing me. She decided to pray for lunch and it sounded more like a plea for forgiveness! Finally, I reminded Mom about the cross. Jesus went to the cross to make payment for our sins, our past, present and future sins. We don't need to live in the guilt. It is done. We are free to live in the grace of God...At. All. Times. Not sure I said all that, but it is true. She got angry, she apologized...what more was there to do? Jesus took care of it all. Not sure MY words were the salve, but she seemed to let it all go then. I suspect that coming to God in prayer was where her peace came from.

Me, not so much. I was quite drained and emotional for much of the afternoon. I am so tired of seeing my mom go through the horror of this disease. She asked me once what she did wrong to get this? My unspoken response: You lived too long. It is so completely hard to understand why sometimes. I was reminded at church recently that this is not the way it was supposed to be. BUT, this is all very temporary and someday, in heaven, all creation will be perfect. Perfect trees. Perfect relationships. Perfect minds. I have told myself that many times...this is temporary...this too will pass...

And it is encouraging. Although, sometimes, it takes an eternity to get there. How ironic is that?

Romans 8: 20-23
Against its will, all creation was subjected to God's curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.

It can't be all bad...

It's difficult to imagine anything good watching someone decline in their mental capabilities but God is faithful. He brings good out of pain - I think it's his specialty! Check it out:
Recently, my mom was waiting for us to pray before we ate lunch. I asked her to pray...

Without hesitation, she thanked God for our food and petitioned him on our behalf. The sort of prayer she had prayed over meals for as long as I remember. But there was something so warm in her voice, such an ease and comfort level that I no longer see in regular conversation, where she struggles for words, thoughts, and ideas. It reminded me that my mom is a woman of prayer and devotion to God. Although her actions have always pointed to her faith, my mom has never been very vocal about it. She lives he devoted life going to church and serving others in small ways that have big impact. She is not a vocal evangelist, by any means. But I think she has always been a big pray-er. I remember a particularly difficult time in my life, I had made some really bad choices and my mom, who really didn't know what to say to me, disappointed in me as she was, just simply prayed. Never before had that happened and not really since, but it showed me the reality of her faith in a powerful, loving God. When she prayed over lunch that day, I was drawn back to that moment when I learned my mom prays and believes. These are lessons I will hold to dearly. God loves my mom and will continue to protect her and guide her even by means that she won't always like. He will do what is best. It is evident that God will never leave her alone, this dear woman who has prayed and loved him since she was a little girl, who did cartwheels when she first met Jesus.

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results" James 5:16

Bittersweet

To every beginning, there is an end. In general, I get excited for change. I love when people get married, move, get a new job, have children, on and on. I love the anticipation and excitement of beginnings. The problem is that to every beginning, there is an end to something. I often forget how difficult an ending can be. Sometimes it's benign and you barely notice. I buy new walking shoes, I throw out the old ones. (Actually, they become my work/garden shoes and then I throw out my old garden shoes...not really worth mentioning but...). Other times, change is big and the "end" part is also big: We hired a live-in caretaker for my mother. After looking for months at facilities to which she could move, we decided to keep her in her current condo but have someone move it to help her. We've considered many options and this seemed to be the best solution. It's a wonderful beginning...to something...

Some of us think this is a great solution while some think this is a horrible solution. Okay, one of us thinks this is horrible...my mom. My mom is a pleasant, easy going lady who shows great restraint. She welcomes people and is warm and kind. When I brought the helper, Lily, to my mom's home the first day, my mom was, of course, very nice. But every time Lily was out of sight my mom would tell me she is not comfortable with this plan. Even when Lily would simply turn her back, my mom would mouth to me "I don't like this!" My mom put up with it that first day, but the second day I got quite a few phone calls about that helper I sent over. "She's very nice and helpful BUT..." My mom doesn't understand that she is very much in need of a helper, that it is not safe for her to be alone. She called me secretly from her bedroom where I think she was hiding out, desperately asking me for help.  And when I wouldn't comply, she would hang up on me. My mother has never spoken harshly to me, let alone hung up on me. I was determined not to let it get to me, that this was what was best for her, but after our fourth conversation, that was challenging. She is so sad and it makes me sad. While my siblings and I look at this new beginning with great hope, optimism and incredible peace, my mom is desperate, trapped and alone. It seals the end of her independence. She has slowly lost some independence before but now she has lost her freedom to be alone. Her home is gone, her husband is gone, her car is gone and now her freedom. If only she would understand our reasoning and explanations...Ah, but that is why we are here. Understanding, comprehension and remembering are her challenges.

The truth is, this is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just part of the journey. It IS a BIG relief to us kids, in spite of my mother's angst and anger. But we have prayed for wisdom and I know God loves to honor that request. He has patiently protected my mom as my siblings and I have sought Him to know what to do for her. I am confident that what we are doing is right and I am encouraged by Psalm 37:5: "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." He hasn't failed us yet so we shall continue to seek and trust him!

The bored lady at The Iron Lady

Saturdays are long, difficult days for my mom. She spends most of them alone, in her condo. I have been more conscious of going over to see her on Saturdays, even though it requires a bit more than I have in me. Last week, my daughter needed something at the store so we picked up Mom and she tagged along. It gets her out and if it's only for an hour, at least it's something!

Today, I decided to go to a movie. I've been looking at what is out lately and haven't seen much that would be appropriate for my mom. But I saw that "The Iron Lady" was playing today and thought that might work. I know little about movies, but I did know this movie was about Margaret Thatcher and that Meryl Streep won an Oscar for it. Being that it is based on an actual person that my mom might remember, I took a chance at this being a movie Mom would enjoy. WRONG! She was falling asleep at the beginning and about 3/4 of the way through she was asking me what time it was. Apparently, knowing who the actors are is an important element in my mother's enjoyment of the film. She didn't recognize them, i.e. Meryl Streep, so she didn't like it. Also, she couldn't follow the story line (more on that in moment) and didn't remember Margaret Thatcher. Personally, I think it was the popcorn. I offered to get snacks at the concession stand and she declined. First time ever, I think! Maybe if we had had popcorn, she would have liked the movie. All in all, she was bored.

I, on the other hand, enjoyed the movie. I especially like movies based on reality, except when they alter reality - that ticks me off! Since I know nothing about Margaret Thatcher, it was all truth to me and it was all good! Interesting lady - I may have to read up on her. Anyway, the movie depicts an old Margaret suffering some sort of dementia looking back at her life while talking with her dead husband. There was a scene in which her daughter, Carol, is telling Margaret that she is not the Prime Minister anymore, Dad is dead and Mark, her son, is in South Africa - much like conversations I have with my own mother. (I frequently tell her she is not the Prime Minister anymore...). I could contain all but a few tears that managed run down my cheek. I didn't know I was going to be hit with this dementia thing again. So much for movies being an escape! But Margaret's struggle in the movie to remain in reality gave me some sense of what may happen in my mother's head. And I think that is why she didn't enjoy the movie. It jumped from current reality to past to certain unreality. My mom couldn't keep up, I suppose. I was a bit sad that Mom didn't get it. Why would I think that she would be able to relate her current situation with what appeared on the big screen before her? It was clear to me. But then, that is my constant struggle of late - what is clear to me is not clear to Mom. It's my job to help her see as best she can. It requires some patience and finesse. I'm growing in these areas, but then the parameters change and I have to learn them all again. Maybe that's why I have a headache right now...

Oh, well. It was a good movie. Margaret talks to her dead husband, my mom talks to her dead husband...it certainly depicts a love that never ends and THAT is quite beautiful and a very clear reality.

More

We went away this past weekend for a family wedding. It was a wonderful, fun event and a great escape from the realities of life. We decided my mom couldn't make the trip and her friend graciously volunteered to stay with her while the whole family was out of town. My mom has incredible friends and it gave us all great peace of mind.

But reality hit hard upon my return Sunday afternoon. My mom left me 5 messages, wondering what was going on. And when she can't get hold of me, she thinks something is wrong with her phone. I believe she was also trying to call my dad, which would be her own number. It must just ring and ring, and perhaps beep and beep in her ear, since she has call waiting. Of course, I called her. She actually seemed fine. I was surprised when her friend called me a couple hours later, asking if I had talked with my mom. She was worried because my mother had seemed so confused. She had essentially stayed with Mom for 24 WHOLE hours, which I hadn't expected her to do. She saw first hand how confused my mom gets and it was unsettling. I told her Mom seemed ok when we had talked and she was relieved.

Later on, Mom called looking for the kids, wanting to go home and/or wondering about Dad. I can no longer remember one conversation from another anymore. I just remembered her being confused and needing to be calmed. I moved her along towards going to bed. I made her lock the door while I was on the phone because somehow I think that will keep her from leaving! It's not logical, but it makes me think I've got it all under control! She seemed ok again when we said goodbye.

On Monday, I called Mom to get her insurance information from her over the phone. Immediately, she launched into how itchy her skin is and we spent 10 minutes trying to locate her medicated lotion to no avail, but she found something else to help in the meantime. I finally got to ask about the insurance information and she couldn't find that either. I know her card is looking back at her from the wallet, but she couldn't see it. I gave up and said I'll be right over. She promptly called me right back to say she found the lotion in the kitchen right where it's supposed to be. Ugh! But I still have no insurance info so I take off for Mom's, help her apply the lotion, find the insurance stuff and call it in so she can go to physical therapy in the afternoon. Whew! A five minute job that took an hour. Reality is rough, I conclude. And when I went home and looked at photo's from the wedding on Facebook, a great longing to return to my escape arose!

But I soldier on and took Mom to physical therapy later that day; she did well. A very kind friend of mine from church is taking care of her so I'm sure physical therapy will be a good outing for my mom and hopefully will help her shoulder feel better as well. I ran to the grocery store while she was there and when I returned Mom was in her coat, ready to go. I felt grateful to be going home, to relax with my family.

Then Mom calls during dinner because she can't figure out where everyone is! I explained, not for the first time, that she lives alone and she replies "You keep saying that!" Ha! It's kinda funny when she comes back with a comment like that! Anyway, she seems quite confused and I reset reality for her. I know I'll call her later and I begin to wonder if I'll be going over there sometime soon.

When I called her at 7 PM, she was about to go downstairs, which where she lives, is the lobby. She wanted to mail a card to her neighbor across the hall who is in the hospital. Of course, it's not labeled correctly and will never arrive, if left alone. I convinced her to leave the card until tomorrow when I would be able to help her. But she was pretty set to wander around. She thought my dad was downstairs somewhere. "How about I come over and walk with you, Mom?" I heard it come out of my mouth. This would be my third trip there as well as my fifth phone call today. I can't keep us this pace.

We walked around her condo commons area for a bit - not much going on this day. I helped her get the card ready to mail. Thankfully, it needed a new envelope and I noticed inside that she signed it "Fran and Phil". We redid the whole thing. I helped her with her lotion again. But, I must say, I left feeling more at peace than when I drove over. I know I did the right thing and Mom seemed settled.

After I got home, I was talking with my husband, my sounding board, my incredible support...I am doing all I can, but I know my limits and they aren't big. I realize there are many who would do so much more in these instances, like either one of my sisters, probably. I find it interesting that I'm in the role I am in. While I can be a people pleaser, setting boundaries and margins is instinctive to me and I couldn't survive without them. Any self respecting people pleaser knows no bounds! Clearly that's not me. And while we're at it, I'm not even very task oriented so I don't necessarily accomplish a lot on my mom's behalf. I make sure she has food and is safe; all my other plans dissolve as I become tired and stressed.

My husband agrees that someone else could/would probably do more. I am not insulted; he knows me well and he knows I am doing all that I can, even at times more than I can. I am being stretched beyond my limits, I guess. And he goes there with me, every step. He is amazing, a gift...

What is significant about this revelation, this understanding of who I am, is that when I understand what I can do on my own, when I know my limits, and then actually do MORE...well, I know the "more" is God. I am confident about this role, however ill-fitted, that it is just where I am supposed to be.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said,“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Cruelty

It's just plain cruel...
My mom called me this evening quite confused. First of all, her phone wasn't working - yea, I know she CALLED me but I guess her neighbor WAS helping her. She's been trying to call my dad but his number didn't work. She's calling her own number...I asked if she wanted me to come over and she said yes.

I was trying to watch "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" with her, but she kept talking about the trouble she had earlier.  She told me Dad had been in the kitchen and she told him they could have chili for dinner. But then he was gone. She went back to the kitchen a few minutes later and he was gone. As she told me the story, I could, for a moment, picture my dad in her kitchen.  What joy and certain relief she must have felt to be with him again.

And that was when the cruelty of it all struck me... along with everything else, she loses my dad over and over again.

But I guess if you look for it, there is always something beautiful. After we discussed that dad was gone, Mom told me she knew Dad was waiting for her in heaven. It was such a simple and beautiful statement of faith, not only in God but in eternal life provided through faith in Jesus. It's truth she has known since she was a young girl. So in the midst of all the cruelty, I'll hold on to the beautiful.