Bittersweet

To every beginning, there is an end. In general, I get excited for change. I love when people get married, move, get a new job, have children, on and on. I love the anticipation and excitement of beginnings. The problem is that to every beginning, there is an end to something. I often forget how difficult an ending can be. Sometimes it's benign and you barely notice. I buy new walking shoes, I throw out the old ones. (Actually, they become my work/garden shoes and then I throw out my old garden shoes...not really worth mentioning but...). Other times, change is big and the "end" part is also big: We hired a live-in caretaker for my mother. After looking for months at facilities to which she could move, we decided to keep her in her current condo but have someone move it to help her. We've considered many options and this seemed to be the best solution. It's a wonderful beginning...to something...

Some of us think this is a great solution while some think this is a horrible solution. Okay, one of us thinks this is horrible...my mom. My mom is a pleasant, easy going lady who shows great restraint. She welcomes people and is warm and kind. When I brought the helper, Lily, to my mom's home the first day, my mom was, of course, very nice. But every time Lily was out of sight my mom would tell me she is not comfortable with this plan. Even when Lily would simply turn her back, my mom would mouth to me "I don't like this!" My mom put up with it that first day, but the second day I got quite a few phone calls about that helper I sent over. "She's very nice and helpful BUT..." My mom doesn't understand that she is very much in need of a helper, that it is not safe for her to be alone. She called me secretly from her bedroom where I think she was hiding out, desperately asking me for help.  And when I wouldn't comply, she would hang up on me. My mother has never spoken harshly to me, let alone hung up on me. I was determined not to let it get to me, that this was what was best for her, but after our fourth conversation, that was challenging. She is so sad and it makes me sad. While my siblings and I look at this new beginning with great hope, optimism and incredible peace, my mom is desperate, trapped and alone. It seals the end of her independence. She has slowly lost some independence before but now she has lost her freedom to be alone. Her home is gone, her husband is gone, her car is gone and now her freedom. If only she would understand our reasoning and explanations...Ah, but that is why we are here. Understanding, comprehension and remembering are her challenges.

The truth is, this is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just part of the journey. It IS a BIG relief to us kids, in spite of my mother's angst and anger. But we have prayed for wisdom and I know God loves to honor that request. He has patiently protected my mom as my siblings and I have sought Him to know what to do for her. I am confident that what we are doing is right and I am encouraged by Psalm 37:5: "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." He hasn't failed us yet so we shall continue to seek and trust him!