My daughter Erin loves my blog - my biggest fan! When something happens, she tells me to go blog about it. She likes to hear what I've learned or how I'm processing what is happening. Funny thing is, she could easily walk down the stairs and ask me! She must like reading...maybe she gets into my head or something! I don't know, but this one's for you, sweetheart...
I haven't seen my mother in a week. I can't remember the last time that happened! I have spoken to her, sometimes multiple times per day, but I have not been in her presence for an entire week. Having hired a live-in caretaker, I've made myself scarce to encourage bonding. My brothers and sister have still seen her as they regularly do, just not me. It has been a very long process for Mom and she is not adjusting well. She wants to be alone. In fact, I think the stress and changes have caused her to decline in her cognitive abilities but I am hopeful that once she is settled, she will do better. I am hopeful. And I am hopeful that switching caretakers will help mom settle. I am hopeful. And yesterday when we spoke on the phone, my mom seemed enthusiastic and energetic. I was hopeful about having lunch and going shopping together...since I hadn't seen her in a week.
Erin came with me. And when we arrived my mom was happy to see us and ready for lunch. I quickly asked about groceries and was looking over mom's list. I had a couple questions about what things were. It's better to check at home when I can see what she needs than at the store when I have no idea. She quickly got defensive when she couldn't understand what she had written, "Cleansing soap". I didn't know if that meant bath soap or cleanser for the sink...and she didn't either. She yelled at me, "You make me feel so dumb!", whacked me on the arm and walked to another room. "You all just go without me!" she said. She actually hit me! Of course, it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel the full force of her anger. The three of us, Erin, Claire (the new caretaker) and I just stood there in shock. I am not even sure my mom made it all the way back to her bedroom before she came out apologizing - 30 seconds tops! She said she has been so anxious and didn't mean to take it out on me and of course, I said I completely understand...all is forgiven.
We gathered our stuff to leave, making sure we were ready for the store as well. We walked down to lunch with my mom apologizing, saying she's so embarrassed, quite frequently. I was pretty quiet, surprised at how sad and overwhelmed I had become. By the time we got to the lunch room I was in tears and headed off to the washroom. It's not that my mom hurt me or was angry with me. I was so sad once again at what she has to go through and that she couldn't forgive herself for a lapse in control. Finally, Erin came in saying Grandma is "freaking out" because you are in here crying. I have to admit, I was surprised she had put it all together! I went out and hugged my mom again and tried to reassure her again that I was ok and that I forgave her - I just had a delayed reaction. I told her I loved her. It was ok, really.
We ordered lunch and went outside to the patio to wait. Again my mom was remorseful and apparently, unforgiven. It was crushing me. She decided to pray for lunch and it sounded more like a plea for forgiveness! Finally, I reminded Mom about the cross. Jesus went to the cross to make payment for our sins, our past, present and future sins. We don't need to live in the guilt. It is done. We are free to live in the grace of God...At. All. Times. Not sure I said all that, but it is true. She got angry, she apologized...what more was there to do? Jesus took care of it all. Not sure MY words were the salve, but she seemed to let it all go then. I suspect that coming to God in prayer was where her peace came from.
Me, not so much. I was quite drained and emotional for much of the afternoon. I am so tired of seeing my mom go through the horror of this disease. She asked me once what she did wrong to get this? My unspoken response: You lived too long. It is so completely hard to understand why sometimes. I was reminded at church recently that this is not the way it was supposed to be. BUT, this is all very temporary and someday, in heaven, all creation will be perfect. Perfect trees. Perfect relationships. Perfect minds. I have told myself that many times...this is temporary...this too will pass...
And it is encouraging. Although, sometimes, it takes an eternity to get there. How ironic is that?
Romans 8: 20-23
Against its will, all creation was subjected to God's curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.
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