My daughter Erin loves my blog - my biggest fan! When something happens, she tells me to go blog about it. She likes to hear what I've learned or how I'm processing what is happening. Funny thing is, she could easily walk down the stairs and ask me! She must like reading...maybe she gets into my head or something! I don't know, but this one's for you, sweetheart...
I haven't seen my mother in a week. I can't remember the last time that happened! I have spoken to her, sometimes multiple times per day, but I have not been in her presence for an entire week. Having hired a live-in caretaker, I've made myself scarce to encourage bonding. My brothers and sister have still seen her as they regularly do, just not me. It has been a very long process for Mom and she is not adjusting well. She wants to be alone. In fact, I think the stress and changes have caused her to decline in her cognitive abilities but I am hopeful that once she is settled, she will do better. I am hopeful. And I am hopeful that switching caretakers will help mom settle. I am hopeful. And yesterday when we spoke on the phone, my mom seemed enthusiastic and energetic. I was hopeful about having lunch and going shopping together...since I hadn't seen her in a week.
Erin came with me. And when we arrived my mom was happy to see us and ready for lunch. I quickly asked about groceries and was looking over mom's list. I had a couple questions about what things were. It's better to check at home when I can see what she needs than at the store when I have no idea. She quickly got defensive when she couldn't understand what she had written, "Cleansing soap". I didn't know if that meant bath soap or cleanser for the sink...and she didn't either. She yelled at me, "You make me feel so dumb!", whacked me on the arm and walked to another room. "You all just go without me!" she said. She actually hit me! Of course, it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel the full force of her anger. The three of us, Erin, Claire (the new caretaker) and I just stood there in shock. I am not even sure my mom made it all the way back to her bedroom before she came out apologizing - 30 seconds tops! She said she has been so anxious and didn't mean to take it out on me and of course, I said I completely understand...all is forgiven.
We gathered our stuff to leave, making sure we were ready for the store as well. We walked down to lunch with my mom apologizing, saying she's so embarrassed, quite frequently. I was pretty quiet, surprised at how sad and overwhelmed I had become. By the time we got to the lunch room I was in tears and headed off to the washroom. It's not that my mom hurt me or was angry with me. I was so sad once again at what she has to go through and that she couldn't forgive herself for a lapse in control. Finally, Erin came in saying Grandma is "freaking out" because you are in here crying. I have to admit, I was surprised she had put it all together! I went out and hugged my mom again and tried to reassure her again that I was ok and that I forgave her - I just had a delayed reaction. I told her I loved her. It was ok, really.
We ordered lunch and went outside to the patio to wait. Again my mom was remorseful and apparently, unforgiven. It was crushing me. She decided to pray for lunch and it sounded more like a plea for forgiveness! Finally, I reminded Mom about the cross. Jesus went to the cross to make payment for our sins, our past, present and future sins. We don't need to live in the guilt. It is done. We are free to live in the grace of God...At. All. Times. Not sure I said all that, but it is true. She got angry, she apologized...what more was there to do? Jesus took care of it all. Not sure MY words were the salve, but she seemed to let it all go then. I suspect that coming to God in prayer was where her peace came from.
Me, not so much. I was quite drained and emotional for much of the afternoon. I am so tired of seeing my mom go through the horror of this disease. She asked me once what she did wrong to get this? My unspoken response: You lived too long. It is so completely hard to understand why sometimes. I was reminded at church recently that this is not the way it was supposed to be. BUT, this is all very temporary and someday, in heaven, all creation will be perfect. Perfect trees. Perfect relationships. Perfect minds. I have told myself that many times...this is temporary...this too will pass...
And it is encouraging. Although, sometimes, it takes an eternity to get there. How ironic is that?
Romans 8: 20-23
Against its will, all creation was subjected to God's curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
It can't be all bad...
It's difficult to imagine anything good watching someone decline in their mental capabilities but God is faithful. He brings good out of pain - I think it's his specialty! Check it out:
Recently, my mom was waiting for us to pray before we ate lunch. I asked her to pray...
Without hesitation, she thanked God for our food and petitioned him on our behalf. The sort of prayer she had prayed over meals for as long as I remember. But there was something so warm in her voice, such an ease and comfort level that I no longer see in regular conversation, where she struggles for words, thoughts, and ideas. It reminded me that my mom is a woman of prayer and devotion to God. Although her actions have always pointed to her faith, my mom has never been very vocal about it. She lives he devoted life going to church and serving others in small ways that have big impact. She is not a vocal evangelist, by any means. But I think she has always been a big pray-er. I remember a particularly difficult time in my life, I had made some really bad choices and my mom, who really didn't know what to say to me, disappointed in me as she was, just simply prayed. Never before had that happened and not really since, but it showed me the reality of her faith in a powerful, loving God. When she prayed over lunch that day, I was drawn back to that moment when I learned my mom prays and believes. These are lessons I will hold to dearly. God loves my mom and will continue to protect her and guide her even by means that she won't always like. He will do what is best. It is evident that God will never leave her alone, this dear woman who has prayed and loved him since she was a little girl, who did cartwheels when she first met Jesus.
"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results" James 5:16
Recently, my mom was waiting for us to pray before we ate lunch. I asked her to pray...
Without hesitation, she thanked God for our food and petitioned him on our behalf. The sort of prayer she had prayed over meals for as long as I remember. But there was something so warm in her voice, such an ease and comfort level that I no longer see in regular conversation, where she struggles for words, thoughts, and ideas. It reminded me that my mom is a woman of prayer and devotion to God. Although her actions have always pointed to her faith, my mom has never been very vocal about it. She lives he devoted life going to church and serving others in small ways that have big impact. She is not a vocal evangelist, by any means. But I think she has always been a big pray-er. I remember a particularly difficult time in my life, I had made some really bad choices and my mom, who really didn't know what to say to me, disappointed in me as she was, just simply prayed. Never before had that happened and not really since, but it showed me the reality of her faith in a powerful, loving God. When she prayed over lunch that day, I was drawn back to that moment when I learned my mom prays and believes. These are lessons I will hold to dearly. God loves my mom and will continue to protect her and guide her even by means that she won't always like. He will do what is best. It is evident that God will never leave her alone, this dear woman who has prayed and loved him since she was a little girl, who did cartwheels when she first met Jesus.
"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results" James 5:16
Bittersweet
To every beginning, there is an end. In general, I get excited for change. I love when people get married, move, get a new job, have children, on and on. I love the anticipation and excitement of beginnings. The problem is that to every beginning, there is an end to something. I often forget how difficult an ending can be. Sometimes it's benign and you barely notice. I buy new walking shoes, I throw out the old ones. (Actually, they become my work/garden shoes and then I throw out my old garden shoes...not really worth mentioning but...). Other times, change is big and the "end" part is also big: We hired a live-in caretaker for my mother. After looking for months at facilities to which she could move, we decided to keep her in her current condo but have someone move it to help her. We've considered many options and this seemed to be the best solution. It's a wonderful beginning...to something...
Some of us think this is a great solution while some think this is a horrible solution. Okay, one of us thinks this is horrible...my mom. My mom is a pleasant, easy going lady who shows great restraint. She welcomes people and is warm and kind. When I brought the helper, Lily, to my mom's home the first day, my mom was, of course, very nice. But every time Lily was out of sight my mom would tell me she is not comfortable with this plan. Even when Lily would simply turn her back, my mom would mouth to me "I don't like this!" My mom put up with it that first day, but the second day I got quite a few phone calls about that helper I sent over. "She's very nice and helpful BUT..." My mom doesn't understand that she is very much in need of a helper, that it is not safe for her to be alone. She called me secretly from her bedroom where I think she was hiding out, desperately asking me for help. And when I wouldn't comply, she would hang up on me. My mother has never spoken harshly to me, let alone hung up on me. I was determined not to let it get to me, that this was what was best for her, but after our fourth conversation, that was challenging. She is so sad and it makes me sad. While my siblings and I look at this new beginning with great hope, optimism and incredible peace, my mom is desperate, trapped and alone. It seals the end of her independence. She has slowly lost some independence before but now she has lost her freedom to be alone. Her home is gone, her husband is gone, her car is gone and now her freedom. If only she would understand our reasoning and explanations...Ah, but that is why we are here. Understanding, comprehension and remembering are her challenges.
The truth is, this is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just part of the journey. It IS a BIG relief to us kids, in spite of my mother's angst and anger. But we have prayed for wisdom and I know God loves to honor that request. He has patiently protected my mom as my siblings and I have sought Him to know what to do for her. I am confident that what we are doing is right and I am encouraged by Psalm 37:5: "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." He hasn't failed us yet so we shall continue to seek and trust him!
Some of us think this is a great solution while some think this is a horrible solution. Okay, one of us thinks this is horrible...my mom. My mom is a pleasant, easy going lady who shows great restraint. She welcomes people and is warm and kind. When I brought the helper, Lily, to my mom's home the first day, my mom was, of course, very nice. But every time Lily was out of sight my mom would tell me she is not comfortable with this plan. Even when Lily would simply turn her back, my mom would mouth to me "I don't like this!" My mom put up with it that first day, but the second day I got quite a few phone calls about that helper I sent over. "She's very nice and helpful BUT..." My mom doesn't understand that she is very much in need of a helper, that it is not safe for her to be alone. She called me secretly from her bedroom where I think she was hiding out, desperately asking me for help. And when I wouldn't comply, she would hang up on me. My mother has never spoken harshly to me, let alone hung up on me. I was determined not to let it get to me, that this was what was best for her, but after our fourth conversation, that was challenging. She is so sad and it makes me sad. While my siblings and I look at this new beginning with great hope, optimism and incredible peace, my mom is desperate, trapped and alone. It seals the end of her independence. She has slowly lost some independence before but now she has lost her freedom to be alone. Her home is gone, her husband is gone, her car is gone and now her freedom. If only she would understand our reasoning and explanations...Ah, but that is why we are here. Understanding, comprehension and remembering are her challenges.
The truth is, this is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just part of the journey. It IS a BIG relief to us kids, in spite of my mother's angst and anger. But we have prayed for wisdom and I know God loves to honor that request. He has patiently protected my mom as my siblings and I have sought Him to know what to do for her. I am confident that what we are doing is right and I am encouraged by Psalm 37:5: "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." He hasn't failed us yet so we shall continue to seek and trust him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)