Corners

I feel like we are turning a bad corner and I am realizing that I know so little about what is ahead. Part of me really doesn't want to know - the anticipation of what is coming may be worse than what actually comes. The other part of me is realizing I need to be more prepared so I can be more helpful to my mom.

Mom called my sister the other day, wondering where she went. "After I stepped out, everyone was gone!", she said. The sad part is, no one had been there in the first place. Upon further talk, my sister decided that my mom had fallen asleep reading, awoken and was a bit dazed, thus confusing the book with real life. When my sister called me to tell me, we were both pretty convinced this was truth. So, of course, I called my mom and she seemed her "new" normal. Whew! But then she called me a hour and a half later wondering where my "boys" were. Are they coming back here to stay? Sometimes they do that, she said. Apparently, she was in the shower and when she got out everyone was gone. Again. I assured her that no one was coming back over, that she could lock her doors and go to sleep because no one was coming to visit her. She was relieved, but I was freaked.

There are plenty of odd conversations we have with my mom, but I'm often surprised at how well she manages. These episodes seem to be her first "hallucinations", which, thankfully, were fairly benign. She was easily calmed and reassured. What happens if she hallucinates something terrifying? Or perceives a danger and lashes out?

This is why my second part is realizing that my first part needs to be prepared, regardless of the dreaded anticipation of it all. I didn't know hallucinations were part of this disease, if that's even what they were. So I'm spending time at the Alzheimer's Association website: http://www.alz.org, in case you are interested and want some information. I'm reevaluating the doctor we see, thinking I need a geriatric specialist - that is such a thing, right?

Obviously, I should have been doing this sooner...

Lessons never spoken

As I mentioned before, I have received numerous phone calls from my mom thanking me for the "poem" I wrote her. I suppose it's a poem, but it's really the song I sang to her at her party. My husband thinks it would be pretty cool to have someone encourage you daily. So, yes, I have my own personal cheerleader. And she is sincerely...sincere each time she calls. And since I know that she naturally is sincere and grateful, I try to fill my tank with it. Here is the song, in case you were interested:

Lessons Never Spoken

Verse 1

If I had to walk a mile in your shoes

I’d look back on life

See the many faces touched by you

Cuz your life seems to

Meet the needs of those around you

Sorrow and the joy surround you

Sacrifice so they would understand

Someone walked a mile in their shoes

Verse 2

If I ran the race that God made, just for you

I know that I would

Serve my family, friends and strangers too

Cuz your life seems to

Share a meal when someone’s hungry

Share your home when someone’s lonely

Share your wealth so they would understand

Jesus ran the race ahead of you

Bridge

Did you know I was even watchin’?

Did you know you were even teachin’?

Lessons caught that were never spoken

Shown in love

They were shown in love

Verse 3

If I had to see the world through your eyes

I know that I would

Look for fun and time would just fly by

Cuz your life seems to

Travel to exotic places

Share some thrills with friendly faces

All the while knowing God is showing you                                                           

How to see the world through His eyes

Jesus is ahead of you

He walked a mile in your shoe

More birthdays

I went to a birthday party for my mom yesterday - different than the one we threw her a couple weeks ago! She called me up to say, "Did you know you were going to my birthday party today at 3?" My mind raced to my Itouch calendar, trying to remember this event, when she went on to explain, "I got this card in the mail that says there's a birthday party for me at the Village Grille downstairs, do you want to go with me? I meant to ask you before." Ok, so I didn't know about it - whew! I have to say, any forgetful moments I have, take my breath away -  just a little too scary! Anyway, I went with Mom to her party. It was an "All April Birthdays" party at her facility, complete with the birthday song, cake, coffee, party placemats and photos wearing a birthday crown. Why anyone over 5 would want to wear a birthday crown, is beyond me, but I do know ladies who turned 50 that did the same thing - ??? We sat with a gentleman my mom did not know from another building and had a pleasant conversation. That it was a man, certainly seemed significant. I know she misses my dad immensely and I think she rather enjoyed talking to A MAN! I was glad I was there to help her with the conversation and I'm beginning to think startup conversations are easiest. I get very protective of my mother, hoping people will understand and be gracious, and somehow know she wasn't always like this! (I guess I'm still grieving some things!)  Most people are, I am finding, especially her contemporaries. But what I like about startup conversations is she doesn't have to have remembered anything and she can ask the same questions over again. She can pull off a "where did you live before?" again without drawing much attention. It was kinda cute watching my mom yesterday. Don't we all crave to be connected to someone? To know and be known? It reminds me of the inadequacies of human relationships. Even the best of them, end at some point. I'm grateful for a better option. I know that there are people who doubt that God, if He even exists at all, really connects with people. But I'm not one who doubts God connects because He has connected with me, He connects with me - ongoing. It is evident to me that I am different because of the time I have spent in the His presence. Truly different. Ask those around me. That I would go to a party and talk with strangers - old people, no less - is further evidence that God is transforming me. That would not be my natural bent, sad to say. But connecting with God helps me lay aside myself to connect with my mom, meet her needs and even relate to her friends. No one is more surprised than me!

In the end, it's about gratitude

Ok, not so diligent as I thought!
Much has changed since I last wrote - in my life, not my mom's! She has declined in her memory, but she is still plugging away at life. She gets so frustrated she can't remember anything! And it's not the forgetting where you know you can't remember something, as in you know you know, but it's gone. It's disbelief that what she's been told has actually happened. I am waiting for the day when she stops trusting me, thinking I'm making up all sorts of stories! Yikes - hopefully that never happens. I imagine it's lonely being forgetful. Does it feel like prison? She can barely remember earlier today - does she think she does nothing all the time? I realize she enjoys the moment, but don't the memories make the days sweet as well?
For example...
We had a big party for her last Saturday to celebrate her birthday. She loved all of it! You could see it in her whole being! She smiled all day and enjoyed her family and friends who all gathered around her. We ate, laughed, sang and just loved being together. And she has remembered "the party" over these last couple days, but the details have disappeared somewhat.
"What was Ron talking about when he was speaking?"
"Did you sing, Leslie? Oh, I wish I could have heard it!"
"I didn't know Dan brought his girlfriend!" She told me 3 times when looking at photo's of the event! Then she called me when she found "a poem" tacked on her board. In actuality, it was the song I had written and sang to her on Saturday, but it's new. It can't be remembered. It can't be remembered. Can't. The mind is incredible even in it's failings.
But ya know, she sent out thank you's the very next day. She knew that had to be done. And if I don't go take the guest list from her, she may sent them out again! As my husband reminds me, there are elements of my mom that are lasting: she wants to participate, to help and to thank. She is very grateful. She could be crabby, but she's not. She is very grateful for pretty much everything you do. She knows she is so very dependent in spite of living independently. And I'm beginning to think I need some of that gratitude to rub off on me. I live independently, but honestly, I am so very dependent on God. I just don't always realize it. I have these moments like today when I just want my mom back. I'm tired of the same conversations over and over, I'm tired of explaining things, tired of trying to manage someone else's life and all I want to do is call someone and cry and tell them of the ridiculous things she said...but who would want a phone call like that? And that's when I remember that I am called to run with endurance this race that God has set before me. That to do that, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus who, because of the joy awaiting him, endured the cross disregarding it's shame. That I need to look straight ahead and keep moving forward. That I need to be grateful that my dependence is on the only one who can actually help me. And I know that I need to live life with others, which is why I'll probably have to have lunch with a friend very soon.
Dependent gratitude? Grateful dependence? Something like that...