More

We went away this past weekend for a family wedding. It was a wonderful, fun event and a great escape from the realities of life. We decided my mom couldn't make the trip and her friend graciously volunteered to stay with her while the whole family was out of town. My mom has incredible friends and it gave us all great peace of mind.

But reality hit hard upon my return Sunday afternoon. My mom left me 5 messages, wondering what was going on. And when she can't get hold of me, she thinks something is wrong with her phone. I believe she was also trying to call my dad, which would be her own number. It must just ring and ring, and perhaps beep and beep in her ear, since she has call waiting. Of course, I called her. She actually seemed fine. I was surprised when her friend called me a couple hours later, asking if I had talked with my mom. She was worried because my mother had seemed so confused. She had essentially stayed with Mom for 24 WHOLE hours, which I hadn't expected her to do. She saw first hand how confused my mom gets and it was unsettling. I told her Mom seemed ok when we had talked and she was relieved.

Later on, Mom called looking for the kids, wanting to go home and/or wondering about Dad. I can no longer remember one conversation from another anymore. I just remembered her being confused and needing to be calmed. I moved her along towards going to bed. I made her lock the door while I was on the phone because somehow I think that will keep her from leaving! It's not logical, but it makes me think I've got it all under control! She seemed ok again when we said goodbye.

On Monday, I called Mom to get her insurance information from her over the phone. Immediately, she launched into how itchy her skin is and we spent 10 minutes trying to locate her medicated lotion to no avail, but she found something else to help in the meantime. I finally got to ask about the insurance information and she couldn't find that either. I know her card is looking back at her from the wallet, but she couldn't see it. I gave up and said I'll be right over. She promptly called me right back to say she found the lotion in the kitchen right where it's supposed to be. Ugh! But I still have no insurance info so I take off for Mom's, help her apply the lotion, find the insurance stuff and call it in so she can go to physical therapy in the afternoon. Whew! A five minute job that took an hour. Reality is rough, I conclude. And when I went home and looked at photo's from the wedding on Facebook, a great longing to return to my escape arose!

But I soldier on and took Mom to physical therapy later that day; she did well. A very kind friend of mine from church is taking care of her so I'm sure physical therapy will be a good outing for my mom and hopefully will help her shoulder feel better as well. I ran to the grocery store while she was there and when I returned Mom was in her coat, ready to go. I felt grateful to be going home, to relax with my family.

Then Mom calls during dinner because she can't figure out where everyone is! I explained, not for the first time, that she lives alone and she replies "You keep saying that!" Ha! It's kinda funny when she comes back with a comment like that! Anyway, she seems quite confused and I reset reality for her. I know I'll call her later and I begin to wonder if I'll be going over there sometime soon.

When I called her at 7 PM, she was about to go downstairs, which where she lives, is the lobby. She wanted to mail a card to her neighbor across the hall who is in the hospital. Of course, it's not labeled correctly and will never arrive, if left alone. I convinced her to leave the card until tomorrow when I would be able to help her. But she was pretty set to wander around. She thought my dad was downstairs somewhere. "How about I come over and walk with you, Mom?" I heard it come out of my mouth. This would be my third trip there as well as my fifth phone call today. I can't keep us this pace.

We walked around her condo commons area for a bit - not much going on this day. I helped her get the card ready to mail. Thankfully, it needed a new envelope and I noticed inside that she signed it "Fran and Phil". We redid the whole thing. I helped her with her lotion again. But, I must say, I left feeling more at peace than when I drove over. I know I did the right thing and Mom seemed settled.

After I got home, I was talking with my husband, my sounding board, my incredible support...I am doing all I can, but I know my limits and they aren't big. I realize there are many who would do so much more in these instances, like either one of my sisters, probably. I find it interesting that I'm in the role I am in. While I can be a people pleaser, setting boundaries and margins is instinctive to me and I couldn't survive without them. Any self respecting people pleaser knows no bounds! Clearly that's not me. And while we're at it, I'm not even very task oriented so I don't necessarily accomplish a lot on my mom's behalf. I make sure she has food and is safe; all my other plans dissolve as I become tired and stressed.

My husband agrees that someone else could/would probably do more. I am not insulted; he knows me well and he knows I am doing all that I can, even at times more than I can. I am being stretched beyond my limits, I guess. And he goes there with me, every step. He is amazing, a gift...

What is significant about this revelation, this understanding of who I am, is that when I understand what I can do on my own, when I know my limits, and then actually do MORE...well, I know the "more" is God. I am confident about this role, however ill-fitted, that it is just where I am supposed to be.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said,“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Cruelty

It's just plain cruel...
My mom called me this evening quite confused. First of all, her phone wasn't working - yea, I know she CALLED me but I guess her neighbor WAS helping her. She's been trying to call my dad but his number didn't work. She's calling her own number...I asked if she wanted me to come over and she said yes.

I was trying to watch "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" with her, but she kept talking about the trouble she had earlier.  She told me Dad had been in the kitchen and she told him they could have chili for dinner. But then he was gone. She went back to the kitchen a few minutes later and he was gone. As she told me the story, I could, for a moment, picture my dad in her kitchen.  What joy and certain relief she must have felt to be with him again.

And that was when the cruelty of it all struck me... along with everything else, she loses my dad over and over again.

But I guess if you look for it, there is always something beautiful. After we discussed that dad was gone, Mom told me she knew Dad was waiting for her in heaven. It was such a simple and beautiful statement of faith, not only in God but in eternal life provided through faith in Jesus. It's truth she has known since she was a young girl. So in the midst of all the cruelty, I'll hold on to the beautiful.