In the end, it's about gratitude

Ok, not so diligent as I thought!
Much has changed since I last wrote - in my life, not my mom's! She has declined in her memory, but she is still plugging away at life. She gets so frustrated she can't remember anything! And it's not the forgetting where you know you can't remember something, as in you know you know, but it's gone. It's disbelief that what she's been told has actually happened. I am waiting for the day when she stops trusting me, thinking I'm making up all sorts of stories! Yikes - hopefully that never happens. I imagine it's lonely being forgetful. Does it feel like prison? She can barely remember earlier today - does she think she does nothing all the time? I realize she enjoys the moment, but don't the memories make the days sweet as well?
For example...
We had a big party for her last Saturday to celebrate her birthday. She loved all of it! You could see it in her whole being! She smiled all day and enjoyed her family and friends who all gathered around her. We ate, laughed, sang and just loved being together. And she has remembered "the party" over these last couple days, but the details have disappeared somewhat.
"What was Ron talking about when he was speaking?"
"Did you sing, Leslie? Oh, I wish I could have heard it!"
"I didn't know Dan brought his girlfriend!" She told me 3 times when looking at photo's of the event! Then she called me when she found "a poem" tacked on her board. In actuality, it was the song I had written and sang to her on Saturday, but it's new. It can't be remembered. It can't be remembered. Can't. The mind is incredible even in it's failings.
But ya know, she sent out thank you's the very next day. She knew that had to be done. And if I don't go take the guest list from her, she may sent them out again! As my husband reminds me, there are elements of my mom that are lasting: she wants to participate, to help and to thank. She is very grateful. She could be crabby, but she's not. She is very grateful for pretty much everything you do. She knows she is so very dependent in spite of living independently. And I'm beginning to think I need some of that gratitude to rub off on me. I live independently, but honestly, I am so very dependent on God. I just don't always realize it. I have these moments like today when I just want my mom back. I'm tired of the same conversations over and over, I'm tired of explaining things, tired of trying to manage someone else's life and all I want to do is call someone and cry and tell them of the ridiculous things she said...but who would want a phone call like that? And that's when I remember that I am called to run with endurance this race that God has set before me. That to do that, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus who, because of the joy awaiting him, endured the cross disregarding it's shame. That I need to look straight ahead and keep moving forward. That I need to be grateful that my dependence is on the only one who can actually help me. And I know that I need to live life with others, which is why I'll probably have to have lunch with a friend very soon.
Dependent gratitude? Grateful dependence? Something like that...